Saturday, May 7, 2011
Patty Loveless - How Can I Help You Say Goodbye
I miss you so much but you are in a better place. I look forward to the day we are together again. As much as that happened, you taught me survival and coping skills. Things I would need in this life. Love you Momma!!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Who am I?
2 Corinthians 5:17:
17Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things have become new
I believe I have avoided this blog. There are some things we all find hard to talk about. Much less, open up to the internet. I am finished with my chemotherapy. Now, the battle really begins. I really was in a safe place while having that poison run thru me. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist for depression. This is normal after chemotherapy. They are trying to help me become adjusted to my new life. Interesting... I have found things are so different than when this journey began. I am confused how things change and I am still the same. The medication the psychiatrist has put me on has really been a challenge. It was too low, then too high...That is the way I see life right now. I can't seem to find the happy medium. I do still see the Lord working in this. I am still in the palm of His Hand. It is amazing that even though I question who I am, I still belong to Him.
I find that when I found out about my birth, I asked who am I? The first time I heard about the date my parents got married, I was 14. My parents were going thru a divorce and I went to court. I heard everything said. They bounced around alot of the truths that I would later find out. I comprehended it as a 14 year old would. I rebelled. I hated high school. I have jumped ahead again. I find writing about this is harder than I thought. I feel the Lord leading me to do this yet, I rebell even to Him. I ask really Lord, this?
My father was in the military and a fine soldier. He served in Vietnam. He served an extra tour so his injured brother could come home. Amazing! As I've said I was a Daddy's girl. Well, the time came for him to go back to Korea. I was 5 and my sister was just born. He could have taken us but me being half American and half Korean he was afraid for me. There was a prejudice against mixed children. I know all of you are so surprised with prejudice. I certainly hope not. We were living in Fort Leonard Woods, Missouri. Now, I have fond memories a child growing up there. Those of you reading this and have been stationed there, I know your memories may not be as fond. My Daddy was 1SGT over Cadre. Shannon laughs at me because still, I don't understand all the military stuff. I can remember going to work with Daddy and the soldiers were so kind. I was treated like a princess and thought it was just my personality. No, it was because the soldiers were trying to impress my Daddy.
Daddy left for Korea without us. He was only supposed to be gone 6 mnths. He was gone for a year. My life changed and made me question myself. I was raped, molested, whatever you would like to call it. I was changed. It was by a 16 year old. It was a sick act. He told me if I told he would hurt my family. I didn't say a word for a while. I then told my mother. She was upset. I'm not really sure she understood what she should do. She didn't handle it well. She told me if that ever happened again I would go to jail. I not only felt dirty from what the boy did, I felt dirty by what my mother said. In defense of my mother, you must remember the Korean culture. I have spoken about this to several others and this is the way it is handled. Is it right?? No!! That was the first time my mother abused me. I didn't know that at the time. I know that now.
I remember being lost and displaced after this. I went to my brother who was 11 years older than me. He was ready for a fight. The boy was his age. He asked me who it was. I didn't know his name. I remember for weeks Pete would walk me up and down the street looking for him. We couldn't find him. I was scared because I didn't want Pete to fight. I have always been non confrontational. He told me mom was wrong and she didn't understand. That is when I knew Pete would always be there.
So, as we ask ourselves at times, who am I? Remember you are the Father's. His love holds you even when there is no one else. I am thankful for the love He alone gives me. He has given me friends that are the most amazing. Why do I write about this? The Father has lead me thru this. Whatever has happened to me, I am not the only one. I am blessed way more than I deserve. So, I've gotten thru one of the difficult parts and I am still here. Tears flowing, knowing that I am loved!! By accepting His love for me all that old is thrown away. Not forgotten but hopefully someone is helped by this.
17Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things have become new
I believe I have avoided this blog. There are some things we all find hard to talk about. Much less, open up to the internet. I am finished with my chemotherapy. Now, the battle really begins. I really was in a safe place while having that poison run thru me. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist for depression. This is normal after chemotherapy. They are trying to help me become adjusted to my new life. Interesting... I have found things are so different than when this journey began. I am confused how things change and I am still the same. The medication the psychiatrist has put me on has really been a challenge. It was too low, then too high...That is the way I see life right now. I can't seem to find the happy medium. I do still see the Lord working in this. I am still in the palm of His Hand. It is amazing that even though I question who I am, I still belong to Him.
I find that when I found out about my birth, I asked who am I? The first time I heard about the date my parents got married, I was 14. My parents were going thru a divorce and I went to court. I heard everything said. They bounced around alot of the truths that I would later find out. I comprehended it as a 14 year old would. I rebelled. I hated high school. I have jumped ahead again. I find writing about this is harder than I thought. I feel the Lord leading me to do this yet, I rebell even to Him. I ask really Lord, this?
My father was in the military and a fine soldier. He served in Vietnam. He served an extra tour so his injured brother could come home. Amazing! As I've said I was a Daddy's girl. Well, the time came for him to go back to Korea. I was 5 and my sister was just born. He could have taken us but me being half American and half Korean he was afraid for me. There was a prejudice against mixed children. I know all of you are so surprised with prejudice. I certainly hope not. We were living in Fort Leonard Woods, Missouri. Now, I have fond memories a child growing up there. Those of you reading this and have been stationed there, I know your memories may not be as fond. My Daddy was 1SGT over Cadre. Shannon laughs at me because still, I don't understand all the military stuff. I can remember going to work with Daddy and the soldiers were so kind. I was treated like a princess and thought it was just my personality. No, it was because the soldiers were trying to impress my Daddy.
Daddy left for Korea without us. He was only supposed to be gone 6 mnths. He was gone for a year. My life changed and made me question myself. I was raped, molested, whatever you would like to call it. I was changed. It was by a 16 year old. It was a sick act. He told me if I told he would hurt my family. I didn't say a word for a while. I then told my mother. She was upset. I'm not really sure she understood what she should do. She didn't handle it well. She told me if that ever happened again I would go to jail. I not only felt dirty from what the boy did, I felt dirty by what my mother said. In defense of my mother, you must remember the Korean culture. I have spoken about this to several others and this is the way it is handled. Is it right?? No!! That was the first time my mother abused me. I didn't know that at the time. I know that now.
I remember being lost and displaced after this. I went to my brother who was 11 years older than me. He was ready for a fight. The boy was his age. He asked me who it was. I didn't know his name. I remember for weeks Pete would walk me up and down the street looking for him. We couldn't find him. I was scared because I didn't want Pete to fight. I have always been non confrontational. He told me mom was wrong and she didn't understand. That is when I knew Pete would always be there.
So, as we ask ourselves at times, who am I? Remember you are the Father's. His love holds you even when there is no one else. I am thankful for the love He alone gives me. He has given me friends that are the most amazing. Why do I write about this? The Father has lead me thru this. Whatever has happened to me, I am not the only one. I am blessed way more than I deserve. So, I've gotten thru one of the difficult parts and I am still here. Tears flowing, knowing that I am loved!! By accepting His love for me all that old is thrown away. Not forgotten but hopefully someone is helped by this.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
No accidents
"You are not an accident. Your birth was no mistake or mishap, and youtr life is no fluke of nature. Yur parents many not have planned you but God did. He was not at all surprised by your birth. In fact, he expected it. Long before you were conceived by your parents, you were conceived in the mind of God. He thought of you first. It is not fate nor chance, nor luck, nor conicidence that you are breathing athis very moment. You are alive because God wanted to create you!" This little excerpt comes from The Purpose Driven Life chapter 2, by Rick Warren
This excerpt hit me like a ton of bricks when I did the Bible study several years ago. As this story progresses you will understand. At the time, I had come to terms with a lot but really couldn't get passed some things. Did I have a poor self esteem? Oh yes! Our Lord shows His Sovereignty everyday. I stand in awe of it. He has made each of us for a purpose and He knows all. He knows the decisions we will make good, bad or indifferent.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that all thngs work together for god to those who love God to those who are the called according to His purpose."
So as I write this, I wonder why now? Who is it benefiting? Who will be hurt in this? I have to be very careful while writing this because this involves more than me. I have a family that knows this "stuff." I know that I could sin and turn this into something ugly. This story could be looked at two ways. One that I want revenge. I can assure you that is not it. This is really personal and something I only talk to others in small groups. The other is that I am allowing others to see me. I made a promise to be transparent when I accepted the Lord. I don't want others to see me as this perfect little christian lady that has nothing wrong with her. I am a sinner and so far from perfect. I have learned forgiveness and better than that I have been forgiven. I really don't believe this story is ugly . I believe this is a love story from God. He made a pathway for those of us involved and to be quite honest we have been blessed because of it.
I will be having round 5 on March 7 of my chemotherapy. After all is said and done, we are looking for long term remission. I will go every 3 months for 2 years and every 6 months 3 years after that. When that is completed,I will go once a year. Whatever the Lord has planned I am ok with. I know his plan is perfect and His timing is perfect. He prepared me long ago for this road and He gives me only what I can handle!
Ecclesiastes 3:11-14 11He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.
While in Germany and at the loss of a child, my Daddy went on with life. He was able to travel and live life as normal as possible. He was transfered to Colorado. There are so many stories he would tell. The only one he didn't talk about was his daughter. I have a picture of her. My Grandma gave it to me before she passed away. She told me how hurt my Daddy was by it. As I said before, I can't even imagine. It is like the our heavenly Father wants us to seek Him out and really He isn't that far. Just call His name.
My mother was in Seoul or right outside Seoul raising a son on her own. She did what she had to do to make sure the two of them were provided for. I am proud of my mother for caring for her son and making sure he was provided for. She had been thru a lot and she was alone. She turned down being a concubine...I can just see her face! She didn't put her child up for adoption. They never went hungry and they were not homeless.
In 1963, my father was stationed in Seoul. He met this lady with a son. They went out several times. Now I must tell this funny story. My mother did not bring men in and out of my brother's life. So when my mother and father started dating she wouldn't let my brother meet my Daddy. Now, Daddy being the kind man he was, would bring candy to the village and give it to all the other children. He respected my mother's wishes. Well, that ticked my mother off. That was one of their 1st huge arguments. My father brought my gifts to my brother after that argument. I know some of you men are thinking Daddy didn't have a chance. He didn't! He fell in love with my brother. My brother would have been the same age as my sister. Ironic huh???
My father went back to the states in 1964. Love affair had ended. Nope!! Guess who was to be born in March. Me!! My mother wrote my father. She told him she was pregnant. He was stationed at Fort Benning Ga. He told her not to do anything. He was coming back. I believed he loved my mother but I also know he wasn't losing another child. I don't know all the ins and outs of marrying a Korean national but there was some red tape involved. It didn't matter to him. He was going to marry my mother and bring his family to the U.S. On February 12, 1965, my parents were married. Daddy went TDY to Seoul just for that reason and in hopes to be there when I was born. He got married but had to go back March 9th. I was born March 11, 1965 in the US Army Hospital. My mother rode 45 minutes on a bus to make sure I was born in the US Hospital. My Daddy was notified by the Red Cross that he had a daughter. I tear up thinking about what he was thinking. Even though Daddy is gone now, I will always be a Daddy's girl. He showed me from the beginning that I was wanted and I would not be taken from the fold. Just as the Father loves us and wants us we are not an accident! We are wanted and loved by the Father.
This excerpt hit me like a ton of bricks when I did the Bible study several years ago. As this story progresses you will understand. At the time, I had come to terms with a lot but really couldn't get passed some things. Did I have a poor self esteem? Oh yes! Our Lord shows His Sovereignty everyday. I stand in awe of it. He has made each of us for a purpose and He knows all. He knows the decisions we will make good, bad or indifferent.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that all thngs work together for god to those who love God to those who are the called according to His purpose."
So as I write this, I wonder why now? Who is it benefiting? Who will be hurt in this? I have to be very careful while writing this because this involves more than me. I have a family that knows this "stuff." I know that I could sin and turn this into something ugly. This story could be looked at two ways. One that I want revenge. I can assure you that is not it. This is really personal and something I only talk to others in small groups. The other is that I am allowing others to see me. I made a promise to be transparent when I accepted the Lord. I don't want others to see me as this perfect little christian lady that has nothing wrong with her. I am a sinner and so far from perfect. I have learned forgiveness and better than that I have been forgiven. I really don't believe this story is ugly . I believe this is a love story from God. He made a pathway for those of us involved and to be quite honest we have been blessed because of it.
I will be having round 5 on March 7 of my chemotherapy. After all is said and done, we are looking for long term remission. I will go every 3 months for 2 years and every 6 months 3 years after that. When that is completed,I will go once a year. Whatever the Lord has planned I am ok with. I know his plan is perfect and His timing is perfect. He prepared me long ago for this road and He gives me only what I can handle!
Ecclesiastes 3:11-14 11He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.
While in Germany and at the loss of a child, my Daddy went on with life. He was able to travel and live life as normal as possible. He was transfered to Colorado. There are so many stories he would tell. The only one he didn't talk about was his daughter. I have a picture of her. My Grandma gave it to me before she passed away. She told me how hurt my Daddy was by it. As I said before, I can't even imagine. It is like the our heavenly Father wants us to seek Him out and really He isn't that far. Just call His name.
My mother was in Seoul or right outside Seoul raising a son on her own. She did what she had to do to make sure the two of them were provided for. I am proud of my mother for caring for her son and making sure he was provided for. She had been thru a lot and she was alone. She turned down being a concubine...I can just see her face! She didn't put her child up for adoption. They never went hungry and they were not homeless.
In 1963, my father was stationed in Seoul. He met this lady with a son. They went out several times. Now I must tell this funny story. My mother did not bring men in and out of my brother's life. So when my mother and father started dating she wouldn't let my brother meet my Daddy. Now, Daddy being the kind man he was, would bring candy to the village and give it to all the other children. He respected my mother's wishes. Well, that ticked my mother off. That was one of their 1st huge arguments. My father brought my gifts to my brother after that argument. I know some of you men are thinking Daddy didn't have a chance. He didn't! He fell in love with my brother. My brother would have been the same age as my sister. Ironic huh???
My father went back to the states in 1964. Love affair had ended. Nope!! Guess who was to be born in March. Me!! My mother wrote my father. She told him she was pregnant. He was stationed at Fort Benning Ga. He told her not to do anything. He was coming back. I believed he loved my mother but I also know he wasn't losing another child. I don't know all the ins and outs of marrying a Korean national but there was some red tape involved. It didn't matter to him. He was going to marry my mother and bring his family to the U.S. On February 12, 1965, my parents were married. Daddy went TDY to Seoul just for that reason and in hopes to be there when I was born. He got married but had to go back March 9th. I was born March 11, 1965 in the US Army Hospital. My mother rode 45 minutes on a bus to make sure I was born in the US Hospital. My Daddy was notified by the Red Cross that he had a daughter. I tear up thinking about what he was thinking. Even though Daddy is gone now, I will always be a Daddy's girl. He showed me from the beginning that I was wanted and I would not be taken from the fold. Just as the Father loves us and wants us we are not an accident! We are wanted and loved by the Father.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
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