Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Who am I?

2 Corinthians 5:17:
   17Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things have become new

I believe I have avoided this blog. There are some things we all find hard to talk about. Much less, open up to the internet. I am finished with my chemotherapy. Now, the battle really begins. I really was in a safe place while having that poison run thru me. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist for depression. This is normal after chemotherapy. They are trying to help me become adjusted to my new life. Interesting... I have found things are so different than when this journey began. I am confused how things change and I am still the same. The medication the psychiatrist has put me on has really been a challenge. It was too low, then too high...That is the way I see life right now. I can't seem to find the happy medium. I do still see the Lord working in this. I am still in the palm of His Hand. It is amazing that even though I question who I am, I still belong to Him.

I find that when I found out about my birth, I asked who am I? The first time I heard about the date my parents got married, I was 14. My parents were going thru a divorce and I went to court. I heard everything said. They bounced around alot of the truths that I would later find out. I comprehended it as a 14 year old would. I rebelled. I hated high school. I have jumped ahead again. I find writing about this is harder than I thought. I feel the Lord leading me to do this yet, I rebell even to Him. I ask really Lord, this? 

My father was in the military and a fine soldier. He served in Vietnam. He served an extra tour so his injured brother could come home. Amazing! As I've said I was a Daddy's girl. Well, the time came for him to go back to Korea. I was 5 and my sister was just born. He could have taken us but me being half American and half Korean he was afraid for me. There was a prejudice against mixed children. I know all of you are so surprised with prejudice. I certainly hope not. We were living in Fort Leonard Woods, Missouri. Now, I have fond memories a child growing up there. Those of you reading this and have been stationed there, I know your memories may not be as fond. My Daddy was 1SGT over Cadre. Shannon laughs at me because still, I don't understand all the military stuff. I can remember going to work with Daddy and the soldiers were so kind. I was treated like a princess and thought it was just my personality. No, it was because the soldiers were trying to impress my Daddy.

Daddy left for Korea without us. He was only supposed to be gone 6 mnths. He was gone for a year. My life changed and made me question myself. I was raped, molested, whatever you would like to call it. I was changed. It was by a 16 year old. It was a sick act. He told me if I told he would hurt my family. I didn't say a word for a while. I then told my mother. She was upset. I'm not really sure she understood what she should do. She didn't handle it well. She told me if that ever happened again I would go to jail. I not only felt dirty from what the boy did, I felt dirty by what my mother said. In defense of my mother, you must remember the Korean culture. I have spoken about this to several others and this is the way it is handled. Is it right?? No!! That was the first time my mother abused me. I didn't know that at the time. I know that now.

I remember being lost and displaced after this. I went to my brother who was 11 years older than me. He was ready for a fight. The boy was his age. He asked me who it was. I didn't know his name.  I remember for weeks Pete would walk me up and down the street looking for him. We couldn't find him. I was scared because I didn't want Pete to fight. I have always been non confrontational. He told me mom was wrong and she didn't understand. That is when I knew Pete would always be there.

So, as we ask ourselves at times, who am I? Remember you are the Father's. His love holds you even when there is no one else. I am thankful for the love He alone gives me. He has given me friends that are the most amazing. Why do I write about this? The Father has lead me thru this. Whatever has happened to me, I am not the only one. I am blessed way more than I deserve. So, I've gotten thru one of the difficult parts and I am still here. Tears flowing, knowing that I am loved!! By accepting His love for me all that old is thrown away. Not forgotten but hopefully someone is helped by this.

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