Looking Back

Proverbs 31:25-26 Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come She opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

As I type this, there are so many things going on in my mind. Looking back...Twenty-eight years ago I graduated from high school. Little did I know what was in my future. That would be the last time I would see my hero, best friend, brother alive. To the day, 4 years later, he would be brain-dead. That month of 1987, I accepted Christ on the beaches of California. That wouldn't be the last time I would be on those beaches. In April of 1999, my sister and I would be back in California to scatter my mother's ashes at the same latitude and longitude that Pete's were scattered. June 4th of this year, my youngest daughter, Kaitlyn, graduated from high school. I homeschooled her for the past 12 years. Some ask why, some ask how...my answer is God.

The verse above is so far from being me. I strive to be that woman but I fail daily. I have no excuse. I have heard the statement "it is what it is" and I don't like it. It is true but what can I do to change it. Some things I may be able to change. There are some that I can't.  There the statement "it is what  it is." I am writing this on the eve of finding out if I am in remission. Tomorrow I will find out if I have beat this for now. As I have said, so many things going thru my mind. I have been playing all the scenerios out in my mind. I keep reminding myself that the Lord will not leave me or forsake me.  satan(I do not capitalize him) plays in my head. It reminds me of when I was younger.

After the molestation, I used to think it was my fault. If only I hadn't... you can fill in the blanks. I have. I know now it wasn't my fault. Daddy came home from Korea. He retired and we went south. I love that Columbus Ga was home. I had the best child hood friends. I can name them Chris Herrmann, Dianna Johnson, Shonda Garrett, Yolonda Pampin and Sheri Norris. I remember the girls all had a crush on Chris. Katie if you are reading this, you know he was a hottie. He and I would fight in the yard. Me, Dianna, Shonda, and Yolonda would fight and play dolls. Dianna had the best baby dolls and Shonda had the best doll collection. Yolonda had the best 45's. Those of you who are so much younger than me, yes I said 45's. I always felt safe with all of you!

 At home, it was different. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. My mother loved me but she just didn't know how to be the mother that I needed. She was always nice to my friends. When she was stressed, I knew it. I can remember some mean things that she would say to me. I remember her telling me how fat I was. She would watch every bite I would eat. Now, I look in the mirror trying to get the weight off and I can laugh about it. She could be very hateful to me. I would just keep coming back for more. I figured I could try to get her to love me. Little did I know, she did love me. She just had a weird way of showing it. She needed me. I had a job as a child and teen. I resented not being able to be a teenager. I had to teach her to read when Daddy left. I learned to pay bills at 14. I learned about a budget. It made me stronger. I was a band geek. I loved it. I had such a good time, got into trouble. I could get lost in the music. I played the piano and loved it. Oh, I got my first taste of classical music from my brother too!! I had to quit the band to help out at home. I went to work at Kmart on Macon Rd. I met Shannon there! It's ok. Don't feel sorry for me. I found new interests! It felt good to do something for my sister and myself.  Jeanne, she was my reason for staying. That is when I first started to notice her. I had best friends. I couldn't have made it thru high school without Alice Darling, Karen Henderson, Tammy Hollis...there were several. Oh, the fun we had. I could mention the boys but would that really be fair! Lessons I learned looking back.

As I start to look forward I have my goal set to be the woman that is in Proverbs. I may fail every day miserably but I will continue onward. Decisions may have to be made, they may be hard ones, but the Lord will prevail in what His plans are for me. This was just a piece of the story and there are stories within this one. I have been approached about writing a book. Not sure I want to delve deeper right now. The main lesson I have learned, when looking back don't stay there!

Love all of you!!