Monday, January 17, 2011

January 17, 2011

God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always. 

I have prayed about this blog. The prayer above is the 3rd step from the 12 step program. My dear friend read this to me last week. I thought what a way to start this blog. I have felt the Lord leading me in this direction. 

There have been struggles in my life that I have shared with some. I was in bondage with those struggles until 1999. The Lord lead me to Kay Twombley, a wonderful lady, therapist and now, mentor. I'm starting in the middle and then I will go the beginning. At this time, my marriage was in shambles. I was in shambles. My mother had passed away the year before. Little did I know at the time, the Lord would have me to use all this "stuff" I went through to glorify Him. 

I thought the beginning should be March 11, 1965. My beginning started before then. My beginning started with the Lord. He knew the day I would be born. He knows the day I will leave this earth to be with Him in heaven.

 As I write this, I am having my 3rd round of chemo. I have Large B cell lymphoma. It is stage one. I have lost most of my hair. I have kept my depression at bay since I began chemo. When I was first diagnosed, I was so confused. I was diagnosed after having my thyroid removed. Let me stress that the cancer I have was not because of my thyroid. It was because of my thyroidectomy the Dr.'s found the lymphoma. After I was diagnosed, I would wake up at 3 in the morning. I remember laying prostrate on the floor asking God why??? I had been through so much. I couldn't do this too. I asked my husband, Shannon, what was the reasoning in this. His answer was I don't know. I asked my brother-in-law, Brian (brother really), why? He gave me the answer, "why not you". I am no better than anyone else. Jesus died on the cross and died for all of us. Now I had the answer. Did I like it? No!! I was fighting depression and cancer. 

I remember telling Shan I'm like that dog you don't have the heart to put down. He should just drop me off in the woods and let me die. He told my lovingly NO!! I've even told him that he got a rock, like in the Charlie Brown cartoon. Everyone gets candy and poor old Charlie Brown gets the rock. Well, that is what I told Shannon he got. 

We decided to keep the diagnosis from the girls. Karianne is 22 and going to school to be a chiropractor. She is very intelligent. She knows the medical field. She knows enough to understand what we were facing.  Kaitlyn is 18 and in high school. I have home schooled Kaitlyn since she was in the 1st grade. I continue to homeschool her. She is in her senior year. She plans to go to culinary arts school. She is a great cook. I really have not cooked in about 5 years. She is intelligent. We have always had an open relationship with our children. To keep something of this magnitude was impossible. I tried to keep it from them. Karianne had questions and I would evade her questions. She couldn't understand all the tests they were doing. I broke down and told Karianne and Kaitlyn. They were furious we lied to them. If anyone should think of doing this with your adult children and they live with you, DON'T. My family have been my biggest cheerleaders!! Once the truth was out, as a team, we were all able to cope so much better.

So, bondage I know. I figured this was a good place to start. The middle and the very end for today. I know about being a witness. My main goal in life is to glorify the Lord, be the best wife to Shannon and the best mother to the two daughters the Lord has entrusted to me. Yes in that order. We try to keep the Lord right in the middle of our family. Without Him, we can do nothing. 

I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 
Philippians 4:12-13



  1. In times of suffering and recovery, we need certain essentials to make it through a day. We need our Father, our family and our true friend. We have talked many times about how much we are alike. Some would say how unfortunate it is that the two of us are going through such difficult times at the same time. However, I think it is God allowing us to hold each other up with His love. This song reminded me of you today. I love you. You are so full of wisdom, love and His spirit.

    I am so blessed to call you, Kim Marie, my friend!
    Something brought you to my mind today
    I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
    And yet I feel like it's okay to cry with you
    Something about just being with you
    When I leave I feel like I've been near God
    And that's the way it ought to be...

    'Cause you've been more than a friend to me
    You fight off my enemies
    'Cause you've spoken the Truth over my life
    And you'll never know what it means to me
    Just to know you've been on your knees for me
    Oh, you have blessed my life
    More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah
    More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah

    You had faith, when I had none
    You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
    When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
    And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
    Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
    And that's the way it ought to be...

    You have carried me
    You have taken upon a bruden that wasn't your own
    And may the blessing return to you
    A hundredfold, oh yeah...
    A hundredfold, oh yeah...

  2. I am so glad that you are sharing this story with others. You told me this story many years ago and I have shared your story with my children.

    It is guiet amazing the lengths that a mother will go to protect her children. Sometimes I look at my Tim while he is sleeping and thank God that He sent such a wonderful man to me. I know without a doubt that he was sent from God. I know that I could love no other like him. In my walk with God, I struggle with self doubt. I know in my head that I should love HIM more than anyone or anything. I think sometimes my self doubt comes from my vision of a father's love. Though my family's history is not the same as your's. I grew up knowing that my mother loved me with all that was in her but my dad's love was conditional. I see with Tim and Justin's relationship that Tim's love sometimes seems conditional. I learned from a uncle that was like my safe place away from the turmoil at home that his love crossed the boundaries. So I guess I have a hard time trusing that God can love me at my worst and without conditions. There are times that I think that God is punishing me and my family for my UNWORTHINESS. But my heart tells me that I am worthy because He says I am.

    I love reading your blog. It makes the miles between us seem a little less. I know the continuation of your story and I know your heart. Please continue to share! You have been a true friend to me through the past 20 years. Not only my girlfriend but my spiritual friend. You have a great story to share! You and I are SURVIVORS! Survivors of our chldhood, inner demons and illnesses.

  3. The two postings come from one of my dearest friends. I have been blessed to live all over the state of SC.I met her when I was 24. This precious friend is in need of prayer. She has a tumor that continues to come back on her pituitary gland. Those who read this please pray for her and her family. She just had surgery on it and it is back.I believe this is the 3rd time she has had surgery on the pituitary gland. The Lord has a plan for each of us. He put Lori Ann in my life for the simple reason for her gift of encouragement. Over the years we have laughed, cried tears of joy and sadness. Together we both grew in the Lord. He made us accountable to one another even when we didn't know it!