Friday, October 21, 2011
Always Looking
Hebrews 4:15-16 For we do not have a High priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
This has been an interesting year. After being diagnosed with lymphoma, I have found it hard to express how I feel. I was looking for my voice. I am still looking. I reverted back to my old self. The self who couldn't speak. Each day I get better.
Many years ago, I learned to build these walls. Huge walls that no one could get thru. I unknowingly built these walls to keep out all that I feared. I had a hard time with intimacy. I wouldn't let anyone get to know the real me. There were just a few that I trusted. I really didn't understand the love of God. I still struggle with that. He who loves me more than I can even imagine. He that wants a relationship with me.
In order to understand His love, you need to allow Him to have that intimate relationship with you. He wants to be in that quiet place that only you and Him share. He also wants to be in that place where everyone sees you. I have heard people say "I've been looking for Jesus." "Where is God in all of this" is one of my favorites. The thing is you don't have to look for Jesus, He is right there. Your question of where is God in all of this, He is right in the middle.
Are you looking for Him? He is here and He is where you are! That is the great thing about it. To understand His love, you need to remove the things that blind you to His love. I tell you all this because I have to remind my self of this. I am a great wall builder. I am constantly reminding myself those walls aren't meant to be there. God wants that love relationship with you and me. Agape love. The love that is selfless. Jesus died because He loves us that much! Can you count on one hand how many love you like that. The amazing thing is you don't have to look too far. He is waiting just for you.
As all you know, love relationships require contact. Have you ever had a love relationship where you had no contact? Can you have a relationship with someone with out communication? What is prayer? Talking to God. Now my favorite part of the Hebrews 4:15..."come boldly to the throne." Growing up, I never went boldly to the throne. This year I've learned boldly.
I have never been more scared than I was this year. I have "obtained that grace and mercy" in that time of need. I received that favor from our Lord. I was looking for it. I didn't deserve it. I am a sinner but He gave it anyway. That is the kind of love He gives!
We are like sheep and the Shepherd shows gives us grace and mercy. Next door to me is a field with sheep in it. Here in the upstate we have an issue with coyotes. The farmer has two Great Pyreneese. They would snap my maltese, Linus, in two. I call them Grace and Mercy because they are gentle and loving with the sheep. What have those sheep done to deserve that? Nothing...What have we done to deserve a gentle and loving Shepherd? Nothing. He only shows us grace and mercy. He protects us just as Grace and Mercy do.
None of us are deserving of His love, however, it is there. He is always there in our time of need. None of us are better than the other. We are all equal in sinning. The difference is if you believe in John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." Then in John 3:17 "For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved." Now those are not man's words but the words of Jesus. You can keep looking but it is right there for the taking. When you accept it, accept it boldly. We are sinners and He gave us grace and mercy so that we might spend eternity with Him! He loves you that much!
Friday, September 30, 2011
OFFICIAL - Somewhere Over the Rainbow 2011 - Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo'ole
This is my favorite version of this song. I do love it. Enjoy!
Tea parties, rainbows and me!
Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed.
This blog has been a long time coming. I have had so many emotions bottled up inside that I have had a difficult time expressing them. This one is easy...
My two girls who are four years apart, with birthdays that are two weeks apart, are 19 and 23. I didn't realize the significance of this until last week. Kaitlyn who turned 19 on the 18th of September is the same age as I was when I got married. Karianne who will be 23 on the 2nd of October is the age I was when I had her. It may not mean much to many but to me the Lord has shown me a glimpse of who I was at that age.
When Shannon and I first started this journey 27 years ago on the 20th of October, I thought I wanted a large family. I wanted six children. Now some may say Kim that is too many. I wanted to be a mother. At 21, I lost our first child. We tried and had come to the conclusion that we were not going to be able to have any. March 2, 1988 was an amazing day! I found out I was pregnant! I couldn't believe it. She was an easy pregnancy. I gained 55 pounds. We had a waterbed and I couldn't get out. Shan would push on the bed and pop me out of bed. I was fat and sassy. I was amazed at the life growing inside of me. Yes, I sang "I'm Having Your Baby" everyday! I am a connissuer of coffee. I hated coffee! That was one of the first clues. I thought I had a virus. I put the coffee up and traded it for ice cream and chinese food. I craved kimchee when I was sick. Life was great! I could have cared less...I was having a baby.
The big day came. Actually, it started the day before. I was in labor and didn't know it. I went all day. My sweet sister in law said "Kim you are in labor." Me, "Really you think so?" I told Shan on the way home from visiting I was in labor. You want to see a man get nervous, tell him you are in labor. Thirty six hours later came a 7 lb 9 oz baby girl.
Karianne was my test case. I made mistakes and tried to be perfect. Karianne made being a first time mom great! She was so easy. She slept thru the night at six weeks. She loved being my babydoll. That is what she still is. She loved getting dressed up and taking pictures. She still loves it.We played with all of her dolls. We made biscuits together. We had tea parties...I told her you can do anything you want. If you want to chase butterflies and rainbows, tell her the world is yours!
I was having so much fun, Karianne was three when I thought about another one. I was going to do this one right!! It took so long to have Karianne that I thought it would take that long for Kaitlyn. Nope, one month, it brings a chuckle to me now. I started singing that song "I'm Having Your Baby" again. I knew exactly when I was pregnant. I had to wait 4 weeks to confirm it! January 25, 1992, my intuition was confirmed about Kaitlyn. I thought, Karianne was a breeze, this one will too. I was so wrong. On March 11th, my 27th birthday, I started spotting. Bedrest immediately. I was 14 weeks. I stayed in bed until July. Everytime I got up, I would start spotting. There was a day the end of April, the doctor told me if I didn't lose her that weekend we would be ok. I remember crying and trying to stay calm. Karianne with her thumb in her mouth, in all her infinite wisdom, telling me it was ok. Jesus would take care of her baby brother. Yes, she wanted a brother. She got a sister! She was not thrilled. I had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. If anything could go wrong, it did . In August, I went into premature labor. I went back to bed. Karianne, was amazing. She kept me company. Learned to spell Karianne Hart. She couldn't master Elizabeth. Yes, I went from A-Z. Karianne is still my wise one. Kaitlyn was due September 15th. She was late!! September 18th at 10:30pm she made her grand entrance. She weighed 7 lbs and and was 21 1/2". Her labor lasted all of five hours.
Kaitlyn was my colic baby. What Karianne missed out on, Kaitlyn made up for it. I can remember taking shifts with Shannon. I gave up and quit working. Shannon and I still took shifts. Kaitlyn was my "wild child". She was given that sweet name by a dear friend. Karianne was quiet and Kaitlyn was wide open. Because of the issues with my last pregnancy, we decided no more children. Kaitlyn, my free spirit. She would literally chase that rainbow and butterflies. "Jesus made them, Momma." She would not miss that rainbow. I told her she could be whoever she wanted! She and I had the tea parties. We baked cakes. She loved and loves to cook! She was attached at the hip.
I didn't have the six I wanted. I had the two the Lord knew I would love. He gave them to me. If you've not met them, they are absolutely special. They took my breath, the day I found out about both of them.
Of course this is dedicated to my sweet girls, Karianne and Kaitlyn, my DORKS at home! They have turned into beautiful young ladies. They are best friends. So, though I am far from that Bible verse of being called "Blessed." I am surely blessed by my two favorite girls in the world! Karianne, I will have tea with you any day! Kaitlyn, I will chase that rainbow any day! Both of you can be whoever you want in the world. I love you, Momma
This blog has been a long time coming. I have had so many emotions bottled up inside that I have had a difficult time expressing them. This one is easy...
My two girls who are four years apart, with birthdays that are two weeks apart, are 19 and 23. I didn't realize the significance of this until last week. Kaitlyn who turned 19 on the 18th of September is the same age as I was when I got married. Karianne who will be 23 on the 2nd of October is the age I was when I had her. It may not mean much to many but to me the Lord has shown me a glimpse of who I was at that age.
When Shannon and I first started this journey 27 years ago on the 20th of October, I thought I wanted a large family. I wanted six children. Now some may say Kim that is too many. I wanted to be a mother. At 21, I lost our first child. We tried and had come to the conclusion that we were not going to be able to have any. March 2, 1988 was an amazing day! I found out I was pregnant! I couldn't believe it. She was an easy pregnancy. I gained 55 pounds. We had a waterbed and I couldn't get out. Shan would push on the bed and pop me out of bed. I was fat and sassy. I was amazed at the life growing inside of me. Yes, I sang "I'm Having Your Baby" everyday! I am a connissuer of coffee. I hated coffee! That was one of the first clues. I thought I had a virus. I put the coffee up and traded it for ice cream and chinese food. I craved kimchee when I was sick. Life was great! I could have cared less...I was having a baby.
The big day came. Actually, it started the day before. I was in labor and didn't know it. I went all day. My sweet sister in law said "Kim you are in labor." Me, "Really you think so?" I told Shan on the way home from visiting I was in labor. You want to see a man get nervous, tell him you are in labor. Thirty six hours later came a 7 lb 9 oz baby girl.
Karianne was my test case. I made mistakes and tried to be perfect. Karianne made being a first time mom great! She was so easy. She slept thru the night at six weeks. She loved being my babydoll. That is what she still is. She loved getting dressed up and taking pictures. She still loves it.We played with all of her dolls. We made biscuits together. We had tea parties...I told her you can do anything you want. If you want to chase butterflies and rainbows, tell her the world is yours!
I was having so much fun, Karianne was three when I thought about another one. I was going to do this one right!! It took so long to have Karianne that I thought it would take that long for Kaitlyn. Nope, one month, it brings a chuckle to me now. I started singing that song "I'm Having Your Baby" again. I knew exactly when I was pregnant. I had to wait 4 weeks to confirm it! January 25, 1992, my intuition was confirmed about Kaitlyn. I thought, Karianne was a breeze, this one will too. I was so wrong. On March 11th, my 27th birthday, I started spotting. Bedrest immediately. I was 14 weeks. I stayed in bed until July. Everytime I got up, I would start spotting. There was a day the end of April, the doctor told me if I didn't lose her that weekend we would be ok. I remember crying and trying to stay calm. Karianne with her thumb in her mouth, in all her infinite wisdom, telling me it was ok. Jesus would take care of her baby brother. Yes, she wanted a brother. She got a sister! She was not thrilled. I had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. If anything could go wrong, it did . In August, I went into premature labor. I went back to bed. Karianne, was amazing. She kept me company. Learned to spell Karianne Hart. She couldn't master Elizabeth. Yes, I went from A-Z. Karianne is still my wise one. Kaitlyn was due September 15th. She was late!! September 18th at 10:30pm she made her grand entrance. She weighed 7 lbs and and was 21 1/2". Her labor lasted all of five hours.
Kaitlyn was my colic baby. What Karianne missed out on, Kaitlyn made up for it. I can remember taking shifts with Shannon. I gave up and quit working. Shannon and I still took shifts. Kaitlyn was my "wild child". She was given that sweet name by a dear friend. Karianne was quiet and Kaitlyn was wide open. Because of the issues with my last pregnancy, we decided no more children. Kaitlyn, my free spirit. She would literally chase that rainbow and butterflies. "Jesus made them, Momma." She would not miss that rainbow. I told her she could be whoever she wanted! She and I had the tea parties. We baked cakes. She loved and loves to cook! She was attached at the hip.
I didn't have the six I wanted. I had the two the Lord knew I would love. He gave them to me. If you've not met them, they are absolutely special. They took my breath, the day I found out about both of them.
Of course this is dedicated to my sweet girls, Karianne and Kaitlyn, my DORKS at home! They have turned into beautiful young ladies. They are best friends. So, though I am far from that Bible verse of being called "Blessed." I am surely blessed by my two favorite girls in the world! Karianne, I will have tea with you any day! Kaitlyn, I will chase that rainbow any day! Both of you can be whoever you want in the world. I love you, Momma
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Hurting and hanging on!
Romans 5:3-5:3 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
So the month of July proved to be an interesting month. Just when I thought I had it all together(remember I thought), God showed me that I needed to be closer to Him. He knows when we tend to stray and we need reminding of His love for us. None of it seems fair but the Lord never promised fair. He called home a dear friend of mine. Ok, that was hard. The hardest part is watching her family deal with it. None of us want to see our loved ones hurting. I kept thinking, ok God I can do this. I can as long as He leads me. I can give that part to Him!
Another best friend(have you ever noticed that women have many best friends), had a scare. I praise the Lord for her results. I believe He is teaching all of us to give up total control and lean on Him. He is the Truth, the Way, and the Light! Our joke is m&m's cure it all. Well, Karen I hope you are happy because I have been eating m&m's! A marriage ended for a best friend of mine. I continually pray for her. There is a group called the DORK's. Ladies that I went to high school with that are the best prayer warriors you could ask for. Love you all!
Life goes on. It doesn't stop. The world keeps turning even when you want it to stop. There are days it is like a rollercoaster or a tilt-a-whirl. I must tell you I am not one that likes those rides. So, life can be like that. Does that mean we stop? No!! We keep going. It doesn't matter if it is one of those crazy rides or if you are safely on the ground He is still there. There is still hope!!
Since having this horrible disease, other issues of my health have wreaked havoc on my body. I don't have a thyroid anymore, I've got to have my TSH levels checked. My hormones are out of whack, I've got see another Dr for that. Oh joy!! Rather than go to a support group, I am going to a counselor because I suffer from depression. So I have had these really dark days these past couple of weeks. Especially when there is no sleep involved. I end up solving all the world problems between 2:00 and 6:00am.
I have debated writing this because as much as some of you love me, I have found out you have tried to protect me. I am ok. Don't protect me, the Lord has that under control. If all I can do is pray for you, please let me do it. Don't be a blessing stealer. It is a blessing to me to be able to do that. Love all of you!!
I have a great family. I have some of the best friends in the world. The Lord has shown me I am not alone in this. As I said earlier, I tend to lean on what I can do. Wrong answer Kim! I need to lean on Him at all times. I sometimes feel I am a burden to all involved. Before being a burden, I would bow out. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. That my dear friends is the only reason I share this, I don't want pity. I want to show whoever reads this that they are not the only ones who are hurting.
The Lord has shown me in all of this that we are all hurting or will be hurting in our life. With Him, there is hope. But you have to believe in Him first. I don't know how people go thru life without believing in Him. What is there to hope for? What is there to believe in? Maybe I do look thru rose colored glasses at times and see the glass half full rather than half empty. So, to hope is to believe in Him. What is there to hope for if you don't believe? Yes, I hurt but I am learning to hang on for dear life.
People say, Kim, you've been thru the hardest part. No, chemotherapy was the easiest part. Chemotherapy was like a bubble. I was safe. Now, trying to find my new normal is the hardest part. Life has changed and my outlook on life has changed. I lean closer to Him and pray often for discernment. I muddle thru some days. Most days I am victorious because of Him. God has been so good to me. He has shown me so much that I have no doubt He is right here with me. So, I will praise Him in my storm. I know that He is my shelter. Above all, this is not about me, it is about those that can see Him thru me. Why He thinks He can use me is beyond me. I made the commitment to Him and I fail terribly. Each day is a new one. I will continue to try to be want He wants from me. As Shannon preached one Sunday, I have tied an end to that rope and am hanging on.
Much love to all of you! May you find hope in today!!
So the month of July proved to be an interesting month. Just when I thought I had it all together(remember I thought), God showed me that I needed to be closer to Him. He knows when we tend to stray and we need reminding of His love for us. None of it seems fair but the Lord never promised fair. He called home a dear friend of mine. Ok, that was hard. The hardest part is watching her family deal with it. None of us want to see our loved ones hurting. I kept thinking, ok God I can do this. I can as long as He leads me. I can give that part to Him!
Another best friend(have you ever noticed that women have many best friends), had a scare. I praise the Lord for her results. I believe He is teaching all of us to give up total control and lean on Him. He is the Truth, the Way, and the Light! Our joke is m&m's cure it all. Well, Karen I hope you are happy because I have been eating m&m's! A marriage ended for a best friend of mine. I continually pray for her. There is a group called the DORK's. Ladies that I went to high school with that are the best prayer warriors you could ask for. Love you all!
Life goes on. It doesn't stop. The world keeps turning even when you want it to stop. There are days it is like a rollercoaster or a tilt-a-whirl. I must tell you I am not one that likes those rides. So, life can be like that. Does that mean we stop? No!! We keep going. It doesn't matter if it is one of those crazy rides or if you are safely on the ground He is still there. There is still hope!!
Since having this horrible disease, other issues of my health have wreaked havoc on my body. I don't have a thyroid anymore, I've got to have my TSH levels checked. My hormones are out of whack, I've got see another Dr for that. Oh joy!! Rather than go to a support group, I am going to a counselor because I suffer from depression. So I have had these really dark days these past couple of weeks. Especially when there is no sleep involved. I end up solving all the world problems between 2:00 and 6:00am.
I have debated writing this because as much as some of you love me, I have found out you have tried to protect me. I am ok. Don't protect me, the Lord has that under control. If all I can do is pray for you, please let me do it. Don't be a blessing stealer. It is a blessing to me to be able to do that. Love all of you!!
I have a great family. I have some of the best friends in the world. The Lord has shown me I am not alone in this. As I said earlier, I tend to lean on what I can do. Wrong answer Kim! I need to lean on Him at all times. I sometimes feel I am a burden to all involved. Before being a burden, I would bow out. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. That my dear friends is the only reason I share this, I don't want pity. I want to show whoever reads this that they are not the only ones who are hurting.
The Lord has shown me in all of this that we are all hurting or will be hurting in our life. With Him, there is hope. But you have to believe in Him first. I don't know how people go thru life without believing in Him. What is there to hope for? What is there to believe in? Maybe I do look thru rose colored glasses at times and see the glass half full rather than half empty. So, to hope is to believe in Him. What is there to hope for if you don't believe? Yes, I hurt but I am learning to hang on for dear life.
People say, Kim, you've been thru the hardest part. No, chemotherapy was the easiest part. Chemotherapy was like a bubble. I was safe. Now, trying to find my new normal is the hardest part. Life has changed and my outlook on life has changed. I lean closer to Him and pray often for discernment. I muddle thru some days. Most days I am victorious because of Him. God has been so good to me. He has shown me so much that I have no doubt He is right here with me. So, I will praise Him in my storm. I know that He is my shelter. Above all, this is not about me, it is about those that can see Him thru me. Why He thinks He can use me is beyond me. I made the commitment to Him and I fail terribly. Each day is a new one. I will continue to try to be want He wants from me. As Shannon preached one Sunday, I have tied an end to that rope and am hanging on.
Much love to all of you! May you find hope in today!!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Grace and Mercy~Miss Grace
2To Timothy my true son in the faith:
Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord.
How fitting to start this blog that is dedicated to a dear friend of mine. A sister in Christ, that will be missed terribly here on earth. I can't help rejoicing for her but crying for me. Talk about confused! Her name is Brenda Michelle Day Clark. She was born January 16, 1952. She passed away July 10, 2011. She was a daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, sister, friend and most importantly a child of God. I have no doubt where she is spending eternity.
On with my life with Mickey in it. I met her at church. My name became Vera. She noticed a purse that one of my girls had. She said that she had seen one like that and I told her it was a Vera Bradley. Now some of you might not find that funny but out of that became a joke. Later she would tell me it was at the grocery store she saw that purse. She didn't realize that the purse she saw was not a Vera Bradley. Then she saw a designer, Vera Wange and thought it was one in the same. After much explanation, she said never mind. My name was now Vera.
I can honestly say that I have never had a friend like Mickey. She had such a beautiful personality. She called herself Miss Grace. She had several medical issues. One being that she was not steady on her feet. She would laugh it off and call herself Miss Grace. She had a sense of humor and a beautiful smile. She is dancing in heaven. She taught me so much these last 4 1/2 years. She lost her voice so it was barely above a whisper. From what I have heard she sang like a songbird. She sang the last time the Sunday before my Daddy passed away. She was not comfortable but she felt the Lord leading her to do this. Little did she know, I would hold that song in my heart that week. The song was "The Anchor Holds" by Ray Boltz. She had her own personal storms. She and I would later share our storms. She's leading music in heaven right now!
She taught me about being a mother and a grandmother. We all have those we watch. It is how we learn. She had that unconditional love. It wasn't until I met her mother...Nana. I knew where she learned this from. I don't have the grandchildren but I have heard about the joys. Mic enjoyed her grandchildren. She said they were God's blessing to her! She said after three boys the grandchildren were hers to enjoy! That she did. She was always planning something for them when she knew they were coming over. She looked forward to her family coming to see her.
Grace~
2.
a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.
3.
favor or good will
Mercy~–noun, plural -cies for 4, 5.
1.
compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence: Have mercy on the poor sinner.
2.
the disposition to be compassionate or forbearing: an adversary wholly without mercy.
3.
the discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone or to mitigate punishment, especially to send to prison rather than invoke the death penalty.
4.
5.
something that gives evidence of divine favor; blessing:
I have given you the definition of grace and mercy. You could ask Mic if she had any mercy or grace. Her reply to me would be no. She saw it on aisle 5 at the grocery store and it wasn't on her list. I have to tell you she had both. I witnessed it many times. I would let her know what I witnessed and she would tell me not to let anyone know. If anyone knew she had it, it might be expected of her! I would just laugh. So all of you might know her as Mickey, I will call her Miss Grace. Not because she was unsteady on her feet but because of the grace and mercy she showed to others.
I started this blog with a salutation. There is a reason to some of my madness today. Miss Grace had the gift of writing handwritten letters to people. You know the ones that you use pen and paper. Write your thoughts on, put it in an envelope, address it, stamp and mail in the mailbox. The first time I spoke in church and did a Bible Study, I had a cheerleader! We spoke everyday. She encouraged me, even, when she knew it was taking a toll on my emotions. God sends people in your life for a reason. Nothing that God does is by accident. It is pure and innocent. That is how I describe our friendship. She shared with me her trials to show I wasn't alone. She had never said them aloud. She was shedding that wall with me. I am honored to have called her friend. In the letter that she sent me after the Bible Study she said "God puts the right people in our lives just when we feel we cannot take another breathe..."
Just when I didn't think I could breathe when I got the call Sunday morning, I remembered her smile and sage advice. I remembered the grace and mercy that she showed. It gave me a glimpse of what the Lord shows us. We are not deserving of this but the Lord loves us so much He gives it anyway. He gave me Miss Grace for such a short time but just enough. He wouldn't have taken her if He still needed her here. He wanted her with Him. I continue to learn, love like its your last breath. That is how I feel for all of you!!
Love
Vera!!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Happy Father's Day
I couldn't resist it today. I have found out that I am in remission!!! I couldn't be happier. As I was reading over what I blogged this week, I felt like I left so much out. I will eventually fill in the blanks. Seeing as tomorrow is Father's Day and I really had a wonderful Daddy. I had to share a couple of stories.
When Daddy passed away I was devestated. He was awake and lucid until the minute the Lord took him home. So much love was shared that week with the family. He was the glue that held us together. We knew he would be leaving soon and he said goodbye to me and Jeanne seperately. That was just like him. He wanted to make sure we knew he loved us unconditionally. He taught Shannon to be the man I needed him to be. Shannon was very close to my father. He was as devestated as Jeanne and myself when he passed away.
I promised a couple of stories and there are so many to choose from. I can remember being a teenager and asking him why boys were hard to understand. He looked at me and said, "Honey, one day you will get your heart broke. Make sure it was worth it. Don't be afraid of it." He was right. I did and cried on his shoulder. He asked if I had any regrets and I didn't. He taught me to love and to forgive.
One night I met this fella. I got in the truck with him. He had a TRW hat on his dashboard. I asked him why he had that hat. He worked there. At the time, my Daddy was working there. He asked who I knew there. I told him my Daddy, Gene Ehlers. I don't know what the fella had in mind but he turned his truck around and dropped me off. He said he knew my father and he would not try to explain to my father why I was in his truck. I have never laughed so hard. I later called Daddy. Oh, he and I had a good time with that. He did ask the guy about me. Daddy said he stuttered his way out of that one. Even when he wasn't with me, he protected me.
When I started going out, Daddy handed me a card. I asked what it was. He said it is an insurance card. If you ever get hurt, I want you to get medical care. He was so nurturing.
He only spanked me once in my life. Never again. He said he couldn't stand it. He had to only point his finger at me and that was it. He was great at disciplining. He wasn't hurtful, it was lovingly.
As I end this up, remember that my Daddy wasn't perfect. Little did he know but he was showing me how our Father in heaven loves us. This is what I said at his funeral. I also read
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
When Daddy passed away I was devestated. He was awake and lucid until the minute the Lord took him home. So much love was shared that week with the family. He was the glue that held us together. We knew he would be leaving soon and he said goodbye to me and Jeanne seperately. That was just like him. He wanted to make sure we knew he loved us unconditionally. He taught Shannon to be the man I needed him to be. Shannon was very close to my father. He was as devestated as Jeanne and myself when he passed away.
I promised a couple of stories and there are so many to choose from. I can remember being a teenager and asking him why boys were hard to understand. He looked at me and said, "Honey, one day you will get your heart broke. Make sure it was worth it. Don't be afraid of it." He was right. I did and cried on his shoulder. He asked if I had any regrets and I didn't. He taught me to love and to forgive.
One night I met this fella. I got in the truck with him. He had a TRW hat on his dashboard. I asked him why he had that hat. He worked there. At the time, my Daddy was working there. He asked who I knew there. I told him my Daddy, Gene Ehlers. I don't know what the fella had in mind but he turned his truck around and dropped me off. He said he knew my father and he would not try to explain to my father why I was in his truck. I have never laughed so hard. I later called Daddy. Oh, he and I had a good time with that. He did ask the guy about me. Daddy said he stuttered his way out of that one. Even when he wasn't with me, he protected me.
When I started going out, Daddy handed me a card. I asked what it was. He said it is an insurance card. If you ever get hurt, I want you to get medical care. He was so nurturing.
He only spanked me once in my life. Never again. He said he couldn't stand it. He had to only point his finger at me and that was it. He was great at disciplining. He wasn't hurtful, it was lovingly.
As I end this up, remember that my Daddy wasn't perfect. Little did he know but he was showing me how our Father in heaven loves us. This is what I said at his funeral. I also read
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love
This describes the love our Father in heaven has for us. This also describes the love my father had for me!
Happy Father's Day to all you dad's out there. Please hold this verse close to your heart. Your kids look to you as the example the Lord wants you to be for them!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Looking Back
Proverbs 31:25-26 Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come She opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
As I type this, there are so many things going on in my mind. Looking back...Twenty-eight years ago I graduated from high school. Little did I know what was in my future. That would be the last time I would see my hero, best friend, brother alive. To the day, 4 years later, he would be brain-dead. That month of 1987, I accepted Christ on the beaches of California. That wouldn't be the last time I would be on those beaches. In April of 1999, my sister and I would be back in California to scatter my mother's ashes at the same latitude and longitude that Pete's were scattered. June 4th of this year, my youngest daughter, Kaitlyn, graduated from high school. I homeschooled her for the past 12 years. Some ask why, some ask how...my answer is God.
The verse above is so far from being me. I strive to be that woman but I fail daily. I have no excuse. I have heard the statement "it is what it is" and I don't like it. It is true but what can I do to change it. Some things I may be able to change. There are some that I can't. There the statement "it is what it is." I am writing this on the eve of finding out if I am in remission. Tomorrow I will find out if I have beat this for now. As I have said, so many things going thru my mind. I have been playing all the scenerios out in my mind. I keep reminding myself that the Lord will not leave me or forsake me. satan(I do not capitalize him) plays in my head. It reminds me of when I was younger.
After the molestation, I used to think it was my fault. If only I hadn't... you can fill in the blanks. I have. I know now it wasn't my fault. Daddy came home from Korea. He retired and we went south. I love that Columbus Ga was home. I had the best child hood friends. I can name them Chris Herrmann, Dianna Johnson, Shonda Garrett, Yolonda Pampin and Sheri Norris. I remember the girls all had a crush on Chris. Katie if you are reading this, you know he was a hottie. He and I would fight in the yard. Me, Dianna, Shonda, and Yolonda would fight and play dolls. Dianna had the best baby dolls and Shonda had the best doll collection. Yolonda had the best 45's. Those of you who are so much younger than me, yes I said 45's. I always felt safe with all of you!
At home, it was different. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. My mother loved me but she just didn't know how to be the mother that I needed. She was always nice to my friends. When she was stressed, I knew it. I can remember some mean things that she would say to me. I remember her telling me how fat I was. She would watch every bite I would eat. Now, I look in the mirror trying to get the weight off and I can laugh about it. She could be very hateful to me. I would just keep coming back for more. I figured I could try to get her to love me. Little did I know, she did love me. She just had a weird way of showing it. She needed me. I had a job as a child and teen. I resented not being able to be a teenager. I had to teach her to read when Daddy left. I learned to pay bills at 14. I learned about a budget. It made me stronger. I was a band geek. I loved it. I had such a good time, got into trouble. I could get lost in the music. I played the piano and loved it. Oh, I got my first taste of classical music from my brother too!! I had to quit the band to help out at home. I went to work at Kmart on Macon Rd. I met Shannon there! It's ok. Don't feel sorry for me. I found new interests! It felt good to do something for my sister and myself. Jeanne, she was my reason for staying. That is when I first started to notice her. I had best friends. I couldn't have made it thru high school without Alice Darling, Karen Henderson, Tammy Hollis...there were several. Oh, the fun we had. I could mention the boys but would that really be fair! Lessons I learned looking back.
As I start to look forward I have my goal set to be the woman that is in Proverbs. I may fail every day miserably but I will continue onward. Decisions may have to be made, they may be hard ones, but the Lord will prevail in what His plans are for me. This was just a piece of the story and there are stories within this one. I have been approached about writing a book. Not sure I want to delve deeper right now. The main lesson I have learned, when looking back don't stay there!
Love all of you!!
As I type this, there are so many things going on in my mind. Looking back...Twenty-eight years ago I graduated from high school. Little did I know what was in my future. That would be the last time I would see my hero, best friend, brother alive. To the day, 4 years later, he would be brain-dead. That month of 1987, I accepted Christ on the beaches of California. That wouldn't be the last time I would be on those beaches. In April of 1999, my sister and I would be back in California to scatter my mother's ashes at the same latitude and longitude that Pete's were scattered. June 4th of this year, my youngest daughter, Kaitlyn, graduated from high school. I homeschooled her for the past 12 years. Some ask why, some ask how...my answer is God.
The verse above is so far from being me. I strive to be that woman but I fail daily. I have no excuse. I have heard the statement "it is what it is" and I don't like it. It is true but what can I do to change it. Some things I may be able to change. There are some that I can't. There the statement "it is what it is." I am writing this on the eve of finding out if I am in remission. Tomorrow I will find out if I have beat this for now. As I have said, so many things going thru my mind. I have been playing all the scenerios out in my mind. I keep reminding myself that the Lord will not leave me or forsake me. satan(I do not capitalize him) plays in my head. It reminds me of when I was younger.
After the molestation, I used to think it was my fault. If only I hadn't... you can fill in the blanks. I have. I know now it wasn't my fault. Daddy came home from Korea. He retired and we went south. I love that Columbus Ga was home. I had the best child hood friends. I can name them Chris Herrmann, Dianna Johnson, Shonda Garrett, Yolonda Pampin and Sheri Norris. I remember the girls all had a crush on Chris. Katie if you are reading this, you know he was a hottie. He and I would fight in the yard. Me, Dianna, Shonda, and Yolonda would fight and play dolls. Dianna had the best baby dolls and Shonda had the best doll collection. Yolonda had the best 45's. Those of you who are so much younger than me, yes I said 45's. I always felt safe with all of you!
At home, it was different. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. My mother loved me but she just didn't know how to be the mother that I needed. She was always nice to my friends. When she was stressed, I knew it. I can remember some mean things that she would say to me. I remember her telling me how fat I was. She would watch every bite I would eat. Now, I look in the mirror trying to get the weight off and I can laugh about it. She could be very hateful to me. I would just keep coming back for more. I figured I could try to get her to love me. Little did I know, she did love me. She just had a weird way of showing it. She needed me. I had a job as a child and teen. I resented not being able to be a teenager. I had to teach her to read when Daddy left. I learned to pay bills at 14. I learned about a budget. It made me stronger. I was a band geek. I loved it. I had such a good time, got into trouble. I could get lost in the music. I played the piano and loved it. Oh, I got my first taste of classical music from my brother too!! I had to quit the band to help out at home. I went to work at Kmart on Macon Rd. I met Shannon there! It's ok. Don't feel sorry for me. I found new interests! It felt good to do something for my sister and myself. Jeanne, she was my reason for staying. That is when I first started to notice her. I had best friends. I couldn't have made it thru high school without Alice Darling, Karen Henderson, Tammy Hollis...there were several. Oh, the fun we had. I could mention the boys but would that really be fair! Lessons I learned looking back.
As I start to look forward I have my goal set to be the woman that is in Proverbs. I may fail every day miserably but I will continue onward. Decisions may have to be made, they may be hard ones, but the Lord will prevail in what His plans are for me. This was just a piece of the story and there are stories within this one. I have been approached about writing a book. Not sure I want to delve deeper right now. The main lesson I have learned, when looking back don't stay there!
Love all of you!!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Patty Loveless - How Can I Help You Say Goodbye
I miss you so much but you are in a better place. I look forward to the day we are together again. As much as that happened, you taught me survival and coping skills. Things I would need in this life. Love you Momma!!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Who am I?
2 Corinthians 5:17:
17Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things have become new
I believe I have avoided this blog. There are some things we all find hard to talk about. Much less, open up to the internet. I am finished with my chemotherapy. Now, the battle really begins. I really was in a safe place while having that poison run thru me. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist for depression. This is normal after chemotherapy. They are trying to help me become adjusted to my new life. Interesting... I have found things are so different than when this journey began. I am confused how things change and I am still the same. The medication the psychiatrist has put me on has really been a challenge. It was too low, then too high...That is the way I see life right now. I can't seem to find the happy medium. I do still see the Lord working in this. I am still in the palm of His Hand. It is amazing that even though I question who I am, I still belong to Him.
I find that when I found out about my birth, I asked who am I? The first time I heard about the date my parents got married, I was 14. My parents were going thru a divorce and I went to court. I heard everything said. They bounced around alot of the truths that I would later find out. I comprehended it as a 14 year old would. I rebelled. I hated high school. I have jumped ahead again. I find writing about this is harder than I thought. I feel the Lord leading me to do this yet, I rebell even to Him. I ask really Lord, this?
My father was in the military and a fine soldier. He served in Vietnam. He served an extra tour so his injured brother could come home. Amazing! As I've said I was a Daddy's girl. Well, the time came for him to go back to Korea. I was 5 and my sister was just born. He could have taken us but me being half American and half Korean he was afraid for me. There was a prejudice against mixed children. I know all of you are so surprised with prejudice. I certainly hope not. We were living in Fort Leonard Woods, Missouri. Now, I have fond memories a child growing up there. Those of you reading this and have been stationed there, I know your memories may not be as fond. My Daddy was 1SGT over Cadre. Shannon laughs at me because still, I don't understand all the military stuff. I can remember going to work with Daddy and the soldiers were so kind. I was treated like a princess and thought it was just my personality. No, it was because the soldiers were trying to impress my Daddy.
Daddy left for Korea without us. He was only supposed to be gone 6 mnths. He was gone for a year. My life changed and made me question myself. I was raped, molested, whatever you would like to call it. I was changed. It was by a 16 year old. It was a sick act. He told me if I told he would hurt my family. I didn't say a word for a while. I then told my mother. She was upset. I'm not really sure she understood what she should do. She didn't handle it well. She told me if that ever happened again I would go to jail. I not only felt dirty from what the boy did, I felt dirty by what my mother said. In defense of my mother, you must remember the Korean culture. I have spoken about this to several others and this is the way it is handled. Is it right?? No!! That was the first time my mother abused me. I didn't know that at the time. I know that now.
I remember being lost and displaced after this. I went to my brother who was 11 years older than me. He was ready for a fight. The boy was his age. He asked me who it was. I didn't know his name. I remember for weeks Pete would walk me up and down the street looking for him. We couldn't find him. I was scared because I didn't want Pete to fight. I have always been non confrontational. He told me mom was wrong and she didn't understand. That is when I knew Pete would always be there.
So, as we ask ourselves at times, who am I? Remember you are the Father's. His love holds you even when there is no one else. I am thankful for the love He alone gives me. He has given me friends that are the most amazing. Why do I write about this? The Father has lead me thru this. Whatever has happened to me, I am not the only one. I am blessed way more than I deserve. So, I've gotten thru one of the difficult parts and I am still here. Tears flowing, knowing that I am loved!! By accepting His love for me all that old is thrown away. Not forgotten but hopefully someone is helped by this.
17Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things have become new
I believe I have avoided this blog. There are some things we all find hard to talk about. Much less, open up to the internet. I am finished with my chemotherapy. Now, the battle really begins. I really was in a safe place while having that poison run thru me. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist for depression. This is normal after chemotherapy. They are trying to help me become adjusted to my new life. Interesting... I have found things are so different than when this journey began. I am confused how things change and I am still the same. The medication the psychiatrist has put me on has really been a challenge. It was too low, then too high...That is the way I see life right now. I can't seem to find the happy medium. I do still see the Lord working in this. I am still in the palm of His Hand. It is amazing that even though I question who I am, I still belong to Him.
I find that when I found out about my birth, I asked who am I? The first time I heard about the date my parents got married, I was 14. My parents were going thru a divorce and I went to court. I heard everything said. They bounced around alot of the truths that I would later find out. I comprehended it as a 14 year old would. I rebelled. I hated high school. I have jumped ahead again. I find writing about this is harder than I thought. I feel the Lord leading me to do this yet, I rebell even to Him. I ask really Lord, this?
My father was in the military and a fine soldier. He served in Vietnam. He served an extra tour so his injured brother could come home. Amazing! As I've said I was a Daddy's girl. Well, the time came for him to go back to Korea. I was 5 and my sister was just born. He could have taken us but me being half American and half Korean he was afraid for me. There was a prejudice against mixed children. I know all of you are so surprised with prejudice. I certainly hope not. We were living in Fort Leonard Woods, Missouri. Now, I have fond memories a child growing up there. Those of you reading this and have been stationed there, I know your memories may not be as fond. My Daddy was 1SGT over Cadre. Shannon laughs at me because still, I don't understand all the military stuff. I can remember going to work with Daddy and the soldiers were so kind. I was treated like a princess and thought it was just my personality. No, it was because the soldiers were trying to impress my Daddy.
Daddy left for Korea without us. He was only supposed to be gone 6 mnths. He was gone for a year. My life changed and made me question myself. I was raped, molested, whatever you would like to call it. I was changed. It was by a 16 year old. It was a sick act. He told me if I told he would hurt my family. I didn't say a word for a while. I then told my mother. She was upset. I'm not really sure she understood what she should do. She didn't handle it well. She told me if that ever happened again I would go to jail. I not only felt dirty from what the boy did, I felt dirty by what my mother said. In defense of my mother, you must remember the Korean culture. I have spoken about this to several others and this is the way it is handled. Is it right?? No!! That was the first time my mother abused me. I didn't know that at the time. I know that now.
I remember being lost and displaced after this. I went to my brother who was 11 years older than me. He was ready for a fight. The boy was his age. He asked me who it was. I didn't know his name. I remember for weeks Pete would walk me up and down the street looking for him. We couldn't find him. I was scared because I didn't want Pete to fight. I have always been non confrontational. He told me mom was wrong and she didn't understand. That is when I knew Pete would always be there.
So, as we ask ourselves at times, who am I? Remember you are the Father's. His love holds you even when there is no one else. I am thankful for the love He alone gives me. He has given me friends that are the most amazing. Why do I write about this? The Father has lead me thru this. Whatever has happened to me, I am not the only one. I am blessed way more than I deserve. So, I've gotten thru one of the difficult parts and I am still here. Tears flowing, knowing that I am loved!! By accepting His love for me all that old is thrown away. Not forgotten but hopefully someone is helped by this.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
No accidents
"You are not an accident. Your birth was no mistake or mishap, and youtr life is no fluke of nature. Yur parents many not have planned you but God did. He was not at all surprised by your birth. In fact, he expected it. Long before you were conceived by your parents, you were conceived in the mind of God. He thought of you first. It is not fate nor chance, nor luck, nor conicidence that you are breathing athis very moment. You are alive because God wanted to create you!" This little excerpt comes from The Purpose Driven Life chapter 2, by Rick Warren
This excerpt hit me like a ton of bricks when I did the Bible study several years ago. As this story progresses you will understand. At the time, I had come to terms with a lot but really couldn't get passed some things. Did I have a poor self esteem? Oh yes! Our Lord shows His Sovereignty everyday. I stand in awe of it. He has made each of us for a purpose and He knows all. He knows the decisions we will make good, bad or indifferent.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that all thngs work together for god to those who love God to those who are the called according to His purpose."
So as I write this, I wonder why now? Who is it benefiting? Who will be hurt in this? I have to be very careful while writing this because this involves more than me. I have a family that knows this "stuff." I know that I could sin and turn this into something ugly. This story could be looked at two ways. One that I want revenge. I can assure you that is not it. This is really personal and something I only talk to others in small groups. The other is that I am allowing others to see me. I made a promise to be transparent when I accepted the Lord. I don't want others to see me as this perfect little christian lady that has nothing wrong with her. I am a sinner and so far from perfect. I have learned forgiveness and better than that I have been forgiven. I really don't believe this story is ugly . I believe this is a love story from God. He made a pathway for those of us involved and to be quite honest we have been blessed because of it.
I will be having round 5 on March 7 of my chemotherapy. After all is said and done, we are looking for long term remission. I will go every 3 months for 2 years and every 6 months 3 years after that. When that is completed,I will go once a year. Whatever the Lord has planned I am ok with. I know his plan is perfect and His timing is perfect. He prepared me long ago for this road and He gives me only what I can handle!
Ecclesiastes 3:11-14 11He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.
While in Germany and at the loss of a child, my Daddy went on with life. He was able to travel and live life as normal as possible. He was transfered to Colorado. There are so many stories he would tell. The only one he didn't talk about was his daughter. I have a picture of her. My Grandma gave it to me before she passed away. She told me how hurt my Daddy was by it. As I said before, I can't even imagine. It is like the our heavenly Father wants us to seek Him out and really He isn't that far. Just call His name.
My mother was in Seoul or right outside Seoul raising a son on her own. She did what she had to do to make sure the two of them were provided for. I am proud of my mother for caring for her son and making sure he was provided for. She had been thru a lot and she was alone. She turned down being a concubine...I can just see her face! She didn't put her child up for adoption. They never went hungry and they were not homeless.
In 1963, my father was stationed in Seoul. He met this lady with a son. They went out several times. Now I must tell this funny story. My mother did not bring men in and out of my brother's life. So when my mother and father started dating she wouldn't let my brother meet my Daddy. Now, Daddy being the kind man he was, would bring candy to the village and give it to all the other children. He respected my mother's wishes. Well, that ticked my mother off. That was one of their 1st huge arguments. My father brought my gifts to my brother after that argument. I know some of you men are thinking Daddy didn't have a chance. He didn't! He fell in love with my brother. My brother would have been the same age as my sister. Ironic huh???
My father went back to the states in 1964. Love affair had ended. Nope!! Guess who was to be born in March. Me!! My mother wrote my father. She told him she was pregnant. He was stationed at Fort Benning Ga. He told her not to do anything. He was coming back. I believed he loved my mother but I also know he wasn't losing another child. I don't know all the ins and outs of marrying a Korean national but there was some red tape involved. It didn't matter to him. He was going to marry my mother and bring his family to the U.S. On February 12, 1965, my parents were married. Daddy went TDY to Seoul just for that reason and in hopes to be there when I was born. He got married but had to go back March 9th. I was born March 11, 1965 in the US Army Hospital. My mother rode 45 minutes on a bus to make sure I was born in the US Hospital. My Daddy was notified by the Red Cross that he had a daughter. I tear up thinking about what he was thinking. Even though Daddy is gone now, I will always be a Daddy's girl. He showed me from the beginning that I was wanted and I would not be taken from the fold. Just as the Father loves us and wants us we are not an accident! We are wanted and loved by the Father.
This excerpt hit me like a ton of bricks when I did the Bible study several years ago. As this story progresses you will understand. At the time, I had come to terms with a lot but really couldn't get passed some things. Did I have a poor self esteem? Oh yes! Our Lord shows His Sovereignty everyday. I stand in awe of it. He has made each of us for a purpose and He knows all. He knows the decisions we will make good, bad or indifferent.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that all thngs work together for god to those who love God to those who are the called according to His purpose."
So as I write this, I wonder why now? Who is it benefiting? Who will be hurt in this? I have to be very careful while writing this because this involves more than me. I have a family that knows this "stuff." I know that I could sin and turn this into something ugly. This story could be looked at two ways. One that I want revenge. I can assure you that is not it. This is really personal and something I only talk to others in small groups. The other is that I am allowing others to see me. I made a promise to be transparent when I accepted the Lord. I don't want others to see me as this perfect little christian lady that has nothing wrong with her. I am a sinner and so far from perfect. I have learned forgiveness and better than that I have been forgiven. I really don't believe this story is ugly . I believe this is a love story from God. He made a pathway for those of us involved and to be quite honest we have been blessed because of it.
I will be having round 5 on March 7 of my chemotherapy. After all is said and done, we are looking for long term remission. I will go every 3 months for 2 years and every 6 months 3 years after that. When that is completed,I will go once a year. Whatever the Lord has planned I am ok with. I know his plan is perfect and His timing is perfect. He prepared me long ago for this road and He gives me only what I can handle!
Ecclesiastes 3:11-14 11He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.
While in Germany and at the loss of a child, my Daddy went on with life. He was able to travel and live life as normal as possible. He was transfered to Colorado. There are so many stories he would tell. The only one he didn't talk about was his daughter. I have a picture of her. My Grandma gave it to me before she passed away. She told me how hurt my Daddy was by it. As I said before, I can't even imagine. It is like the our heavenly Father wants us to seek Him out and really He isn't that far. Just call His name.
My mother was in Seoul or right outside Seoul raising a son on her own. She did what she had to do to make sure the two of them were provided for. I am proud of my mother for caring for her son and making sure he was provided for. She had been thru a lot and she was alone. She turned down being a concubine...I can just see her face! She didn't put her child up for adoption. They never went hungry and they were not homeless.
In 1963, my father was stationed in Seoul. He met this lady with a son. They went out several times. Now I must tell this funny story. My mother did not bring men in and out of my brother's life. So when my mother and father started dating she wouldn't let my brother meet my Daddy. Now, Daddy being the kind man he was, would bring candy to the village and give it to all the other children. He respected my mother's wishes. Well, that ticked my mother off. That was one of their 1st huge arguments. My father brought my gifts to my brother after that argument. I know some of you men are thinking Daddy didn't have a chance. He didn't! He fell in love with my brother. My brother would have been the same age as my sister. Ironic huh???
My father went back to the states in 1964. Love affair had ended. Nope!! Guess who was to be born in March. Me!! My mother wrote my father. She told him she was pregnant. He was stationed at Fort Benning Ga. He told her not to do anything. He was coming back. I believed he loved my mother but I also know he wasn't losing another child. I don't know all the ins and outs of marrying a Korean national but there was some red tape involved. It didn't matter to him. He was going to marry my mother and bring his family to the U.S. On February 12, 1965, my parents were married. Daddy went TDY to Seoul just for that reason and in hopes to be there when I was born. He got married but had to go back March 9th. I was born March 11, 1965 in the US Army Hospital. My mother rode 45 minutes on a bus to make sure I was born in the US Hospital. My Daddy was notified by the Red Cross that he had a daughter. I tear up thinking about what he was thinking. Even though Daddy is gone now, I will always be a Daddy's girl. He showed me from the beginning that I was wanted and I would not be taken from the fold. Just as the Father loves us and wants us we are not an accident! We are wanted and loved by the Father.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Be still
My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me the strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 76
Wow! This has been one crazy week. Let me start off by thanking all of you for the prayers and support. The Lord has truly blessed me way beyond what I deserve. Last Thursday, I went to the oncologist and she told me at that momet I had no cancer cells. I still have to finish my last three rounds of chemotherapy. Round four begins this upcoing Monday. The rejoicing we did and are still doing! Friday morning my entire family woke up with a stomach virus. Since my immune system is compromised I started to run a fever that needed immediate medical attention. Shannon took me to the doctor. Of course, they wanted to admitt me but I didn't want to stay. I have been accused of being hard headed. I received some fluids and I went home. I had just gotten into bed and the nurse practioner called. She said to get to the hospital immediately. My CO2 levels dropped and my white blood cell count dropped. I was immediately admitted. My dear friend had to take me because my entire family was too sick to take me. The Lord has blessed me with great friends. Thank you Lori!! My family couldn't visit so I had a lot of time to be still. "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10 I was able to do a lot of praying. There were reasons for me to be there. I was able to have down time just to be with God. I was able to witness to a particular person who worked there Sunday morning! Yes, He uses you when you are sick! I am still amazed that it happened just at that moment. That was a gift to me from Him. He let me know He wasn't finished with me yet. No matter the situation you are in, you are still His and your work on earth is not done. One of my lessons this past week was to be still and know that God is God. He is our everything!
One of the reasons for this blog is to let others know that no matter what you have been through the Lord is there guiding you even when you can't see it.
My father's parents were just like many other parents. They had their problems. It was during the depression. They were from Davenport Iowa. My grandfather had tuberculosis and was an alcoholic. My grandmother was trying to raise two children. My great-grandparents were 1st generation Americans from Hamburg Germany. Their names were Klaus and Emma Ehlers. My grandparents were Herman and Dorothy Ehlers. My grandparents seperated when my father and aunt were young. My grandfather passed away soon after. My grandmother raised two children with the help of my grandfather's sister. Aunt Helen passed away this past year after turning 100.
Aunt Helen was an amazing woman and my Daddy loved her so much. He spent a lot of time with her and her family. As a matter of fact, his cousin Janice was like a sister to him. I still keep in touch with her. She and Daddy were the same age. My grandmother had to work and in the 40's there wasn't babysitters or daycares. So my Dad and Aunt Pat were left alone so she could work. The Mississippi River runs right next to Davenport. My Daddy being the boy he was decided he was going to swim across the to the other side. Somehow my grandmother found out. She was at a loss. The only thing she could do to keep both safe was to put them in an orphanage. Sounds drastic I know. It broke my heart when I first heard it. They were there at least through one Christmas. The only reason I know this is because Daddy would talk about getting socks for Christmas. Only the necessaties! You could tell it hurt him emotionally. My grandmother remarried and my Daddy and his sister went to live in their new home. Things were different then. Boys would stay out of school to help on the farm. I've seen his old report cards and he was out alot during harvest time. Even though he missed a lot of school, he was one of the most intelligent men I knew.
He grew up and decided to join the Army. His first duty station was in Germany. He loved it! He also fell in love. The lady was pregnant. About that time, his stepfather was dying and they sent for him to go home. He told the lady that he would be back. After my stepfather passed away, my Daddy went back to Germany. He went to marry this lady and raise his child. When he got there he found out she had already married and the man she married was raising the baby girl as his own. Rather than confuse his child, he left things as they were. At that time, fathers didn't have the rights they do now. So, yes I have a sister and I don't know her. If she ever showed up, I would welcome her. I would tell her how wonderful Daddy was. I would tell her how much he really wanted her in his life.
Just as my Daddy wanted this daughter in his life, the Father wants us in his life. As cliche' as it has become, relationship is the key with the Father. You have to be still and know God is God. He has a bigger plan than even we understand. When I found out about this sister that is out there, I always prayed she would show up and meet Daddy. That wasn't in God's plan. I still pray for her. I pray that the father she had growing up was as good to her as our father was to me. I pray that she knows the heavenly Father.
It was heart wrenching to know that my Daddy went through that. I can't even imagine. As this story unfolds you will see the Father's hand in all of this. What I have learned of my parents' history is perserverance is the key. Even when things were the toughest, they continued on with life. They taught me don't quit, it's not an option.
Jame 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Love all of you
Kim
Wow! This has been one crazy week. Let me start off by thanking all of you for the prayers and support. The Lord has truly blessed me way beyond what I deserve. Last Thursday, I went to the oncologist and she told me at that momet I had no cancer cells. I still have to finish my last three rounds of chemotherapy. Round four begins this upcoing Monday. The rejoicing we did and are still doing! Friday morning my entire family woke up with a stomach virus. Since my immune system is compromised I started to run a fever that needed immediate medical attention. Shannon took me to the doctor. Of course, they wanted to admitt me but I didn't want to stay. I have been accused of being hard headed. I received some fluids and I went home. I had just gotten into bed and the nurse practioner called. She said to get to the hospital immediately. My CO2 levels dropped and my white blood cell count dropped. I was immediately admitted. My dear friend had to take me because my entire family was too sick to take me. The Lord has blessed me with great friends. Thank you Lori!! My family couldn't visit so I had a lot of time to be still. "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10 I was able to do a lot of praying. There were reasons for me to be there. I was able to have down time just to be with God. I was able to witness to a particular person who worked there Sunday morning! Yes, He uses you when you are sick! I am still amazed that it happened just at that moment. That was a gift to me from Him. He let me know He wasn't finished with me yet. No matter the situation you are in, you are still His and your work on earth is not done. One of my lessons this past week was to be still and know that God is God. He is our everything!
One of the reasons for this blog is to let others know that no matter what you have been through the Lord is there guiding you even when you can't see it.
My father's parents were just like many other parents. They had their problems. It was during the depression. They were from Davenport Iowa. My grandfather had tuberculosis and was an alcoholic. My grandmother was trying to raise two children. My great-grandparents were 1st generation Americans from Hamburg Germany. Their names were Klaus and Emma Ehlers. My grandparents were Herman and Dorothy Ehlers. My grandparents seperated when my father and aunt were young. My grandfather passed away soon after. My grandmother raised two children with the help of my grandfather's sister. Aunt Helen passed away this past year after turning 100.
Aunt Helen was an amazing woman and my Daddy loved her so much. He spent a lot of time with her and her family. As a matter of fact, his cousin Janice was like a sister to him. I still keep in touch with her. She and Daddy were the same age. My grandmother had to work and in the 40's there wasn't babysitters or daycares. So my Dad and Aunt Pat were left alone so she could work. The Mississippi River runs right next to Davenport. My Daddy being the boy he was decided he was going to swim across the to the other side. Somehow my grandmother found out. She was at a loss. The only thing she could do to keep both safe was to put them in an orphanage. Sounds drastic I know. It broke my heart when I first heard it. They were there at least through one Christmas. The only reason I know this is because Daddy would talk about getting socks for Christmas. Only the necessaties! You could tell it hurt him emotionally. My grandmother remarried and my Daddy and his sister went to live in their new home. Things were different then. Boys would stay out of school to help on the farm. I've seen his old report cards and he was out alot during harvest time. Even though he missed a lot of school, he was one of the most intelligent men I knew.
He grew up and decided to join the Army. His first duty station was in Germany. He loved it! He also fell in love. The lady was pregnant. About that time, his stepfather was dying and they sent for him to go home. He told the lady that he would be back. After my stepfather passed away, my Daddy went back to Germany. He went to marry this lady and raise his child. When he got there he found out she had already married and the man she married was raising the baby girl as his own. Rather than confuse his child, he left things as they were. At that time, fathers didn't have the rights they do now. So, yes I have a sister and I don't know her. If she ever showed up, I would welcome her. I would tell her how wonderful Daddy was. I would tell her how much he really wanted her in his life.
Just as my Daddy wanted this daughter in his life, the Father wants us in his life. As cliche' as it has become, relationship is the key with the Father. You have to be still and know God is God. He has a bigger plan than even we understand. When I found out about this sister that is out there, I always prayed she would show up and meet Daddy. That wasn't in God's plan. I still pray for her. I pray that the father she had growing up was as good to her as our father was to me. I pray that she knows the heavenly Father.
It was heart wrenching to know that my Daddy went through that. I can't even imagine. As this story unfolds you will see the Father's hand in all of this. What I have learned of my parents' history is perserverance is the key. Even when things were the toughest, they continued on with life. They taught me don't quit, it's not an option.
Jame 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Love all of you
Kim
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Believe
God is so good all the time. As some of you know I have Lymphoma. I don't know the stage. As I had the bone marrow aspiration I brought my Bible for Shannon to read some verses out of it. When I felt the prick of the needle Shan started reading Jeremiah 29:11. He read it twice. The nurse said read it again. He read it again. He then read Psalm 91 and Romans 8:18-39. When he finished reading the procedure was done.
I said I didn't feel a thing. I didn't feel anything. God is good. They showed me the bone they took out and the marrow
Shannon spoke to the husband of one of the nurses that was in there. She said that in 20 years she never heard someone read the Bible while this procedure was being done. She then said she never heard anyone say it didn't hurt. Why does this surprise me. Christians read the Bible.
I believe it is because my husband bathed me in the Word, I didn't feel a thing. I believe in the Word. I believe in the Lord. I believe in forgiveness and redemption.
I love all of you!
Those of you on Facebook have seen this but there are some who haven't seen it. This is a testimony to what God does when you believe and have faith. This was originally written Nov 25, 2010
I said I didn't feel a thing. I didn't feel anything. God is good. They showed me the bone they took out and the marrow
Shannon spoke to the husband of one of the nurses that was in there. She said that in 20 years she never heard someone read the Bible while this procedure was being done. She then said she never heard anyone say it didn't hurt. Why does this surprise me. Christians read the Bible.
I believe it is because my husband bathed me in the Word, I didn't feel a thing. I believe in the Word. I believe in the Lord. I believe in forgiveness and redemption.
I love all of you!
Those of you on Facebook have seen this but there are some who haven't seen it. This is a testimony to what God does when you believe and have faith. This was originally written Nov 25, 2010
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Beloved
Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Find roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from your branches you will find that you were one tree and not two.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Find roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from your branches you will find that you were one tree and not two.
Anonymous
After being married for 26 years, I have found that I am still dumbfounded by love. Preparing this blog, has lead me down different paths. As all you know, I have been sick. My WBC has been down and so this has been in my head and little sheets of paper. I am halfway through treatment, however, it is taking a toll on my body. Please continue to pray for my family. This blog is coming out later than I expected. Many things have happened and I have wanted to put so much in here.
Love is a word that has been used loosely. I have learned that when I tell you I love you, I love completely. You can ask my family. I am one who loves totally. That much the Lord has taught me. So much, that it is a fault at times. I was looking at pictures of one of Karianne's best friend. She recently got married and has taught me much. As I was looking at her pictures, I notice the word Beloved tattooed on her shoulder. I have learned that my children, to include those that are just like my own, have taught me a lot.
The word beloved can be used as an adjective~greatly loved:dear to the heart or a noun~a person who is greatly love. This comes from dictionary.com. It is mentioned in the Bible 149 times. My daughter, Karianne, reminded me she is not mine. I love her and my family dearly. As she reminded me, I do not love her as greatly as our Lord does. I love Shannon and I know he loves me but not as great as the Lord. The Lords love is so great and so hard for me to fathom. I get a glimpse at times. I remember being told to guard my heart but I have a hard time guarding when I love so deeply.
My parents loved me. I know this. At times, they had a strange way of showing it. The story begins. I will start this before even my parents were born. My grandparents, the only one I knew was my paternal grandmother, Dorothy. The rest are stories handed down.
My mother, who was Korean, was born in a time of turmoil. Unbeknownst to her, the Japanese that had taken over. My mother was shielded from a lot. She was brought up in an affluent family. Her father was a fisherman. Her mother coddled her. She had all she ever wanted. She had an arranged marriage before she even knew. She was given jewels and a private tutor. The problem was that her father was an alcoholic. The dream for her was to go to a Japanese University. Her grandfather spent much time with her. I envy that time. I imagine they had many interesting times. They walked and talked. He spent much time with her. Her family molded her. At this point the were not christians. Does that mean that the Lord wasn't there? Oh, He was there! He has plans but they would come. Her father passed away. My grandmother was left to raise her in a time that was not advatageous for a woman. The women in my family I have learned are very strong willed. As time passes on, my grandmother was stabbed with a bayonet trying to protect her only child, my mother. My mother was hidden in the loft of the barn to keep from being raped. Later, my grandmother would pass away. My mother was 13. The Japanese were then run out and the Chinese were preparing to invade Korea for the Korean War. I don't know what you have read but many were killed and displaced. My mother sewed the jewels she had in the hem of her dress and put on a boat with a housegirl. Her mother had passed away trying to save her life. She remembered the bullets whirring past her head. I cannot even imagin. Litttle did she know, God had a plan and she was an important part of the puzzle. The only thing she knew was she left her family home and her mother who had passed away. She moved in with an Aunt. She always felt like she was a burden. She became the one to take care of the household chores while the cousins could play and continue with their studies. All of her dreams were gone! She met a man at 18. He promised to take care of her as his concubine. She was pregnant with my best friend, my brother. Later he and I would be closer and things would change drastically. Needless to say, my mother brought "shame" to the family and was kept in the back room to keep my uncle from having to be confronted with this "travesity". On Sept.5, 1954, my brother Pete was born. My aunt thought she had it figured it out, adoption. My mother loving this baby had the housegirl hide him and she left in the night. She had her baby and nowhere to go. She only knew she wouldn't be seperated from him. This type of love a mother has for a child could not even come close to the love the Lord has for us. She wanted a relationship with her son, just as the Lord wants that relationship with us. He will protect us, just as my mother protected my brother. My mother knew he would grow and wanted him to have a chance at life. My mother and grandmother were survivors and loved their children. That I much I am sure of while writing this.
The Lord wants us to grow and nurtures our growth to live a life that will glorify Him. So, as this story goes on please take note that the Lord was in it all along. For a long time, I held this in. I have learned that to help others, I need to share. Some of it will sound crazy. Believe me I understand. If one person is touched and doesn't feel alone, I have done what the Lord has led me to do. The writing above touched me. I never looked at love that way. I know that "in love" feeling is temporary. It is nice to know that Shannon and I turning into one tree.
Kim
Ephesians 1:4-6 Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.
Monday, January 17, 2011
January 17, 2011
God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always.
I have prayed about this blog. The prayer above is the 3rd step from the 12 step program. My dear friend read this to me last week. I thought what a way to start this blog. I have felt the Lord leading me in this direction.
There have been struggles in my life that I have shared with some. I was in bondage with those struggles until 1999. The Lord lead me to Kay Twombley, a wonderful lady, therapist and now, mentor. I'm starting in the middle and then I will go the beginning. At this time, my marriage was in shambles. I was in shambles. My mother had passed away the year before. Little did I know at the time, the Lord would have me to use all this "stuff" I went through to glorify Him.
I thought the beginning should be March 11, 1965. My beginning started before then. My beginning started with the Lord. He knew the day I would be born. He knows the day I will leave this earth to be with Him in heaven.
As I write this, I am having my 3rd round of chemo. I have Large B cell lymphoma. It is stage one. I have lost most of my hair. I have kept my depression at bay since I began chemo. When I was first diagnosed, I was so confused. I was diagnosed after having my thyroid removed. Let me stress that the cancer I have was not because of my thyroid. It was because of my thyroidectomy the Dr.'s found the lymphoma. After I was diagnosed, I would wake up at 3 in the morning. I remember laying prostrate on the floor asking God why??? I had been through so much. I couldn't do this too. I asked my husband, Shannon, what was the reasoning in this. His answer was I don't know. I asked my brother-in-law, Brian (brother really), why? He gave me the answer, "why not you". I am no better than anyone else. Jesus died on the cross and died for all of us. Now I had the answer. Did I like it? No!! I was fighting depression and cancer.
I remember telling Shan I'm like that dog you don't have the heart to put down. He should just drop me off in the woods and let me die. He told my lovingly NO!! I've even told him that he got a rock, like in the Charlie Brown cartoon. Everyone gets candy and poor old Charlie Brown gets the rock. Well, that is what I told Shannon he got.
We decided to keep the diagnosis from the girls. Karianne is 22 and going to school to be a chiropractor. She is very intelligent. She knows the medical field. She knows enough to understand what we were facing. Kaitlyn is 18 and in high school. I have home schooled Kaitlyn since she was in the 1st grade. I continue to homeschool her. She is in her senior year. She plans to go to culinary arts school. She is a great cook. I really have not cooked in about 5 years. She is intelligent. We have always had an open relationship with our children. To keep something of this magnitude was impossible. I tried to keep it from them. Karianne had questions and I would evade her questions. She couldn't understand all the tests they were doing. I broke down and told Karianne and Kaitlyn. They were furious we lied to them. If anyone should think of doing this with your adult children and they live with you, DON'T. My family have been my biggest cheerleaders!! Once the truth was out, as a team, we were all able to cope so much better.
So, bondage I know. I figured this was a good place to start. The middle and the very end for today. I know about being a witness. My main goal in life is to glorify the Lord, be the best wife to Shannon and the best mother to the two daughters the Lord has entrusted to me. Yes in that order. We try to keep the Lord right in the middle of our family. Without Him, we can do nothing.
I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:12-13
Kim
I have prayed about this blog. The prayer above is the 3rd step from the 12 step program. My dear friend read this to me last week. I thought what a way to start this blog. I have felt the Lord leading me in this direction.
There have been struggles in my life that I have shared with some. I was in bondage with those struggles until 1999. The Lord lead me to Kay Twombley, a wonderful lady, therapist and now, mentor. I'm starting in the middle and then I will go the beginning. At this time, my marriage was in shambles. I was in shambles. My mother had passed away the year before. Little did I know at the time, the Lord would have me to use all this "stuff" I went through to glorify Him.
I thought the beginning should be March 11, 1965. My beginning started before then. My beginning started with the Lord. He knew the day I would be born. He knows the day I will leave this earth to be with Him in heaven.
As I write this, I am having my 3rd round of chemo. I have Large B cell lymphoma. It is stage one. I have lost most of my hair. I have kept my depression at bay since I began chemo. When I was first diagnosed, I was so confused. I was diagnosed after having my thyroid removed. Let me stress that the cancer I have was not because of my thyroid. It was because of my thyroidectomy the Dr.'s found the lymphoma. After I was diagnosed, I would wake up at 3 in the morning. I remember laying prostrate on the floor asking God why??? I had been through so much. I couldn't do this too. I asked my husband, Shannon, what was the reasoning in this. His answer was I don't know. I asked my brother-in-law, Brian (brother really), why? He gave me the answer, "why not you". I am no better than anyone else. Jesus died on the cross and died for all of us. Now I had the answer. Did I like it? No!! I was fighting depression and cancer.
I remember telling Shan I'm like that dog you don't have the heart to put down. He should just drop me off in the woods and let me die. He told my lovingly NO!! I've even told him that he got a rock, like in the Charlie Brown cartoon. Everyone gets candy and poor old Charlie Brown gets the rock. Well, that is what I told Shannon he got.
We decided to keep the diagnosis from the girls. Karianne is 22 and going to school to be a chiropractor. She is very intelligent. She knows the medical field. She knows enough to understand what we were facing. Kaitlyn is 18 and in high school. I have home schooled Kaitlyn since she was in the 1st grade. I continue to homeschool her. She is in her senior year. She plans to go to culinary arts school. She is a great cook. I really have not cooked in about 5 years. She is intelligent. We have always had an open relationship with our children. To keep something of this magnitude was impossible. I tried to keep it from them. Karianne had questions and I would evade her questions. She couldn't understand all the tests they were doing. I broke down and told Karianne and Kaitlyn. They were furious we lied to them. If anyone should think of doing this with your adult children and they live with you, DON'T. My family have been my biggest cheerleaders!! Once the truth was out, as a team, we were all able to cope so much better.
So, bondage I know. I figured this was a good place to start. The middle and the very end for today. I know about being a witness. My main goal in life is to glorify the Lord, be the best wife to Shannon and the best mother to the two daughters the Lord has entrusted to me. Yes in that order. We try to keep the Lord right in the middle of our family. Without Him, we can do nothing.
I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:12-13
Kim
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